Let's talk abuse

I have been privileged to speak to a couple of abuse victims from both genders and I have noticed a pattern. This pattern, I noticed in both genders but the women are my focus for this mail. We have this thing where somehow we have a way of finally making it our fault

“Well, I was the one that went to his house,” “I should have seen the signs,” “I should have known better,” “I shouldn't have slept that deep,” “maybe I should have just kept shut,” “If I was as wise as I am now, I wouldn't have been a victim”… always always finding a way to go back to the scene and take the blame for another person’s lack of self control.

I don’t know if it is a social construct or just the way our minds work but somehow, it's our fault that we look appealing enough for a person to have inordinate desires towards us.

When I was a child, I was violated by several men. From uncles to staff of my fathers company, I grew up feeling filthy and disgusted by myself. I always felt like there was something about me that made men want to have sex with me, heck, I went for deliverance from the spirit of seduction.

Somehow, it was my fault that grown men found a child between the ages of 5-11 years attractive. Ha!!

I grew up with that mindset and I was always afraid to ever tell anybody because I felt like I would be told it is because I'm always around boys or because there was something fundamentally wrong with me that made them like me.

 I remember telling myself that if nothing was wrong with me, why then would it always be me. Why just me? Because of course, they told me it was just me😢… years later, I discovered that I wasn't the only victim in my house. They did this to the  other women living in my house

Phew!!

Having to go over all of this is stressing me out

I was a child when all of these things happened and most of them are honestly blurry so going into details may have me cooking up bits of stories I can't seem  to remember.

I remember the first time I ever opened my mouth to speak to a family member about it and their response was “why didn't you say anything that time?" Ha!!! Na wa o!!!! Heck i was a child, growing up in a house where there was always cane waiting to respond to any wrong move!!! God!!!

It was never “how could they do that to a child” it went back to me for keeping my mouth shut for too long.

I regretted ever saying anything(this was 10-15 years later o)

There has always been this guilt that we bear for being abused and it's a stereotype. It's either that you are lying or there is something about you that got the attention of the wrong people.

I’m not trying to imbibe the victim mentality in you o, in fact, I'm trying to help you find the strength to come out of the quagmire your experience may have put you in.

I  promise you, it was never your fault that someone stronger, bigger and possibly wiser than you took advantage of you even in your vulnerable state.

There is a category of girls that got raped, beaten, manipulated or violated at their big age. Maybe because they were drunk or they trusted the wrong person. Listen, there is no age or stage where abuse is a reward for a choice you made. Drop that guilt and stop blaming yourself.

Let me tell you what this shame and victim blaming culture has done to us: it has made it difficult for women to stand up for themselves, it  has made abusers stronger. Oh just before you argue, statistics state that only 1 out of every 6 abuse victims speaks up. So going by that, only 3 people out of the 18 people that would get this letter has ever spoken about her experience.

Why speak, you wonder? Well, that same statistics states that the average pedophile abuses 117 people in their lifetime.  So just imagine how many other people that your uncle or family friend has scarred.

In Nigeria, abuse cases are hardly reported and 2 out of every 5 case recorded is either  covered up or reversed in favor of the abuser.

I wish I had a solution to this stupid nonsense right now. I know that surely, one day we will come up with one.

I could keep going on and on about this topic but if there is anything I want this letter to do for you, it is to set you free. I want you to know these 4 important facts.

1. You are not the only victim. Many many maaaannnyy girls have experienced abuse at one point in their life. Please stop hiding.

2. It never was, and it never will be your fault. The abuser just lacks self control and unfortunately, you became a victim of their stupidity. So stop blaming yourself. 

3. Don't mind those people that talk about abuse like it is the most shameful thing to happen to anybody, trust me, they don’t know any better. Don't be ashamed of yourself!!!! Stop it!

4. Forgive yourself. Please sis, I beg you, forgive yourself so you can have a better life.

Many girls move around, carrying baggage from a past they didn't choose for themselves. They wear shame like an emblem, blame themselves and sometimes look at themselves as less. Some others, like me, spend so much of their energy hating men thinking that this hatred will at least pacify them. And there's a special group of girls that have made the unfortunate happenings of their life their identity. “Oh I've been violated severally, i should as well just keep sleeping around”

Listen sis, all of these are a result of the fact that you have refused to be kind enough to forgive yourself.

Finally, please ehn, if speaking will help you heal, open your mouth and talk. Pleaseee. Don’t worry about what people will say when they find out who abused you or what it will do to them, please just talk and get healing first. 

If, like me, you spent so many years transferring aggression or trying to deny the fact that something unfortunate happened to you and it may be affecting your view of life, you may have to sit with yourself and allow yourself to recount experiences and let go. That may just be your first and most important step to healing.

If everything I said in this letter was strange to you and you couldn't relate, i’m soo happy for you.

I still have so much to unpack but I think I’d rather just stop here for now till next time this topic needs to be revisited. 

My next letter to you will be on practical steps to heal from trauma.

Pleaseee write me back, send me WhatsApp messages, tell me how this mail impacted you or if it didn’t, still tell me. I love to hear from you.

Bye boo.

Love, Alice.