Demand Louder!!!

Hi,

When I was growing up, before we went to parties or anywhere at all, we would eat very well at home.

Sometimes my mummy even bought us small rubber toys beforehand just in case we didn't get one at the party.

Because God forbid you got there and started dragging for food.

Or worse, announced to everybody that you hadn't eaten.

Ah!! You want to disgrace your parents?

Now that I'm older, I actually think eating before going out is a great idea. The problem wasn't the food.

It was some of the other things many of us learned along the way.

I grew up hearing people, especially women, being described as "loud", "untrained" or "badly behaved" simply because they were expressive.

Maybe it was because I grew up in the North where being conservative was just how you were expected to live. I don't know.

What I do know is that somewhere between childhood and adulthood, a lot of us learned that wanting things openly wasn't very attractive.

The children who sat quietly were seen as exemplary.

The ones who didn't ask for much were considered well-trained.

The shy children were the standard.

And if you know me personally, you'll know I wasn't exactly that child.

I was joining debate clubs, participating in dance groups, talking too much and generally being everywhere at once.

No daughter of Sister Grace should be behaving like that.

So, like many children do, I adapted. At teenage, I started learning to:

Reduce your voice.

Sit properly.

Don't be too excited.

Don't be too emotional.

Don't be too eager.

Ummm.

You get the point sha.

As premium adulthood approaches even more, I've started noticing how much that training has shaped how some of us approach life.

There's always this small voice in your head whenever you want something badly.

The voice that asks:

"Are you not doing too much?"

"Won't people think you're desperate?"

"Shouldn't you just calm down a little?"

And before you know it, you're reducing your voice again.

Not because you don't want the thing.

But because you've been taught that openly wanting things isn't very dignified.

This really hit me the first time I heard a woman openly say she wanted children.

Not "if it happens, it happens."

Not "by God's grace."

Not any of the softening statements we usually add so we don't seem too invested.

She simply said she wanted children.

And I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable.

Not because there was anything wrong with what she said.

But because she sounded so sure.

So direct.

With no iota of shame. Not thinking ‘won’t they say i am unmarried?’.

And if I'm being honest, maybe what I interpreted as desperation was actually confidence.

Maybe I had spent so much time seeing desire hidden behind politeness that seeing someone express it plainly felt strange.

Because that's what many of us do.

We want things.

We just don't want to look like we want them.

We want the job, but we don't want to ask.

We want the relationship, but we don't want to appear eager.

We want the opportunity, but we don't want to seem desperate.

We want THE life, but we don't want anyone to know how badly.

Meanwhile life is teaching us a completely different lesson.

That if you don't clearly communicate what you want, you may end up settling for whatever other people think you deserve.

And honestly?

I think whoever taught us to quietly wait our turn forgot to tell us that advice was mainly useful at children's birthday parties.

Because adulthood seems to reward a different kind of person. 

Adulthood rewards the ‘loud’ ones that go for what they want and don’t wait around for their turn… because who knows? It may never be your turn.

So maybeeee, just maybe the reason some of the things you want haven't come to you is because the universe, your friends and everything around you isn’t sure of what you want.

Place demands, my babeee, be very loud about what you want and don’t stop till you’re satisfied. 

I’m rooting for you, like mad!!

I want to see you win, sooo bad.

You know you’re always on my mind and, I miss writing to you soooo much right??

I’ll talk to you soon.

XO,

Alice. 💕💖